


The New Guy

by KimboKah



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Comfort/Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-05-30 21:41:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6441964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimboKah/pseuds/KimboKah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He watched the newcomer from a distance, and hated him instantly. He didn’t just dislike him, no, he hated him with his whole being.  Who'd ever thought the one you once hated, could be the one thing you would be missing dearly some day?</p><p>A story about friendship, betrayal, forgiveness and saying goodbye. About Kamille tea, an interesting fear of elevators and what it truly means to be a brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Beginning

this seems to be one of those stories I worked on years ago that sadly does not have a definite end. (yet) 

Also, if you are at all familiar with my style of writing, you know I love torturing characters (one in particular) a lot, so be warned.

 

  1. In the beginning



 

 

_April 1993_

 

He watched the newcomer from a distance, and hated him instantly. He didn’t just _dislike_ him, no, he hated him with his whole being. It didn’t make much sense. The new one hadn’t given him any reason to hate him. But he was only thirteen, he didn’t need reasons to hate someone.  And  as everyone else joined in to welcome the guy into the group, Nick stayed behind, watching, just waiting for the newcomer to make a mistake, to give Nick a reason to hate him even more. He knew he was being a brat, he could tell by Howie’s dirty looks towards him that told him to suck it up and deal with it. Howie knew about his hatred, but didn’t share it, which pissed off Nick even more. He had never understood why they needed five people in this group, had thought four was enough, hell, he’d even thought three was enough, but their manager didn’t agree.

Kevin had come first, invading their tight group of three, and Nick just _couldn’t_ hate him. He was everything Nick had ever wanted to be. The guy was independent, working as a performer at Disneyland, ready to make his dreams come true. He was a hard worker, a decent singer and he fitted in the group perfectly. It also helped that he used to be a quarterback in High School, dating the hottest cheerleaders, which made his image of the ‘cool guy’ even more perfect. Nick wanted to be a quarterback, but his scrawny little ass would probably never fit into a football team.

No, Kevin was cool, too cool to argue with, which led to Nick accepting him almost immediately from the moment he came in to audition. They had decided unanimously that Kevin would be their bass, which made AJ very happy, cause he hated being the bass. They had first assigned AJ to the task, cause Howie was lead, and had never been bass before, and Nick’s voice hadn’t changed enough to be anything but high notes. It had been perfect. Just the four of them, everyone had their own place, and no one felt left out. Kevin hadn’t complained at all about being the bass, actually said it was pretty ‘cool’. Kevin was a good guy, as far as Nick was concerned, he didn’t hate the fact that Kevin was in the band, he loved it. He did, however, hate the fact that Kevin had a younger cousin who supposedly also deserved a position in _their_ band.

It wasn’t Kevin’s fault. Lou had asked him if he knew anyone else who’d fit in a boy band and Nick had laughed his ass off at Kevin’s reaction. The older man didn’t think the word ‘boy band’ was appropriate, in fact, he didn’t think it was ‘cool’ to be in a boy band. No, they weren’t a boy band, Kevin made that very clear that day. They were a ‘vocal harmonizing’ group, because Kevin was not gay, so he didn’t belong in a boy band. Nick thought that Kevin’s argumentation was good enough and agreed fully. So did the others. But that what was walking into Lou’s apartment right now could only be described as the biggest nerd Nick had ever seen in his life.

 

 

_22 years later: September 2015_

 

He watched the newcomer from a distance, and hated him instantly. He didn’t just _dislike_ him, no, he hated him with his whole being. It didn’t make much sense. The new one hadn’t given him any reason to hate him. But he wasn’t Brian. He would never be Brian. And that was reason enough.


	2. 2. Failed Promises

  1. Failed promises.



_April 1993_

Kevin had promised him. It wasn’t fair. Nick was young, and when you were young, promises meant a lot. Kevin had promised him that Nick would like The New Guy. Had said The New Guy was just like Nick. Well, if that were true, Nick desperately needed to change. _What a dork!_ Of course, Nick realised now, that Kevin had probably only said those things to make Nick a little more approving towards the new edition to the group.

“And the silent kid brooding over there is Nick, who normally isn’t so quiet,’’ he heard AJ sneer and instantly hated AJ too. The idiot was only two years older than Nick, but by the way he talked or looked, you would say he’d had years of experience. AJ liked to brag about everything. Whenever you came with a supercool story, Alexander would always know a better and bigger story and then he’d steal away your moment of glory. Nick knew Alex had recently changed his name into AJ, but he kept calling him Alex, cause he knew that was the only thing that would piss the guy off.

Nick didn’t respond to AJs calling and he prided himself for not lashing out at him. Instead he kept his head down and held his breath. He felt the stares from the other three, and The New Guy, drilling through his back. He knew New Guy’s name very well, but refused to acknowledge it, and he would continue to do so until New Guy would go away. _Ha, right!_ If only that would happen… Finally he looked up, but only because he knew his mom would kill him if she knew how he was behaving. Luckily his mom wasn’t there, but that wouldn’t stop Alex from telling her all about his meeting with New Guy, and Nick would be grounded ‘til next week. All because of New Guy. _Great._ New Guy hadn’t even said a word and Nick already hated him more than he had thought possible.

                As he scrutinized New Guy, he could tell New Guy was doing the same to him. Nick didn’t care about what New Guy was thinking about him, cause Nick belonged in this group and New Guy didn’t. _Four is more than enough for this group and this guy is my prove._ He didn’t want New Guy to have a reason to stay and he would do anything in his power to make sure New Guy would regret he ever tried to be in _their_ band.

 

                _September 2015_

Kevin had promised him. It wasn’t fair. Kevin had promised him that it would be alright and Nick had felt like he was thirteen again. Kevin had often promised him it would be alright throughout Nick’s whole life, and he had believed the oldest Backstreet Boy every single time. But this wasn’t alright. Nick didn’t like strangers, he would admit that much. He had been awfully mean towards new people his entire life. But this was different. The guy on stage reminded him so much of another certain New Guy, that it hurt. And the worst thing was, everyone else seemed to love him. He couldn’t really put a finger on why he hated the guy. But he wasn’t Brian. He would never be Brian. And that was reason enough.


	3. 3. Part of the Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first couple of chapters are set in the past, obviously. Gradually, we will move to the future, tho.

  1. Part Of The Plan



 

_April 1993_

 

_We will be legends once,_

_We will call ourselves big stars,_

_We will be legends once,_

_But without you, I won’t make it that far._

 

He had thought about it for a long time, but still couldn’t figure for the life of him why he needed to do this, as he stared at the newcomer. He was scrawny and short and if Nick didn’t know any better, he’d say the kid was younger than AJ. _No way he’s eighteen_. But Nick did know better. He’d been interrogating Kevin the entire day before New Guy had shown up. The information had given Nick a pretty good picture of the fact that New Guy shouldn’t be in their band. The only musical experience New Guy had seemed to consist out of church and school plays. He hadn’t been working his ass off at Disney, like Kevin, neither had he sauntered from audition to audition, from talent show to talent show to get even the littlest bit of recognition, like Nick, AJ and Howie had. The kid didn’t have a right to be in this group of awesome people, and that was final.

 _Why am I even getting so worked up? The guy probably sings like shit, and once everyone’s heard him, we can vote him out._ But he knew that was not gonna happen. He knew New Guy already auditioned on the phone and Lou had been ecstatic. Nick had never seen him like that, all happy and bubbly, claiming that he had finally put together the ultimate boy band, which resulted into Kevin arguing they were a vocal harmonizing group again. Nick didn’t want them to be called a boy band either, but he found Kevin’s term a little hard to remember, so from that moment on he decided he would call them a ‘man’ band, which sounded so much cooler. You needed to sound cool to be in _their_ band…

“Hey y’all, I’m Brian, how’re y’all doing? Y’all doing awight?” which totally sounded _not_ cool.

New Guy had probably figured out that Nick was not going to make a first move and stretched out his hand towards Nick. Nick could only do his best to keep his laugh in as he saw AJ cracking up behind New Guy’s back. _Guy’s got the thickest accent known to men!_  But when he made eye contact with Alex he couldn’t help himself anymore and snorted. New Guy’s goofy smile faltered and he let his arm fall at his side again.  He frowned and looked uneasily from Nick to AJ, back to Nick with a confused expression on his face. Nick watched with a wicked grin on his face as New Guy’s shoulders slumped and he turned around, to where Kevin and Lou were waiting for them. _That’s it, just crawl back to whichever Kentucky farm you came from, freak,_ Nick thought, his mind filled with hatred. He’d noticed New Guy was blond, blue-eyed and short, just like Nick, and he would make sure those were the only resemblances the two of them shared. Besides, the school doctor had promised he’d grow very tall once he would reach puberty. Nick didn’t mind, as long as he was taller than New Guy. He watched with malignant satisfaction as New Guy didn’t even bother to look in his direction anymore for the rest of the day. Today was ‘getting to know each other’ day. And as far as Nick was considered, they were doing hell of a good job so far. Tomorrow they would all go to their makeshift studio to sing together as a group of five for the first time. Tomorrow New Guy would have to audition. Tomorrow New Guy would be weighted and he would be found too light. Nick smiled to himself, part one of the plan had been successful.

_September 2015_

_We were legends once,_

_We used to call ourselves big stars,_

_We were legends once,_

_But without you, I wouldn’t have come that far._

He had thought about it for a long time, but still couldn’t figure for the life of him why he needed to do this, as he stared at the newcomer. _It had only been a year…_ After that afternoon in 1993, he’d never thought that he’d have to welcome another New Guy into _their_ band. The longer he thought about it, the more absurd it seemed. Here they were, having auditions for a new fifth member, while they shouldn’t even be trying anymore. Up ‘til this point, he had denied every single guy auditioning, just because of one reason. It wasn’t Brian, it would never be Brian. That was reason enough.


	4. 4. Missing Conviction

_April 1993_

“Look, Nicky, I know you don’t like him, but you haven’t even given him a chance.” Howie looked pissed. Nick had spent the entire day deliberately ignoring New Guy. It was becoming a little embarrassing. _And it was only the first day._

“I don’t need to give him a chance, he’s not getting in _our_ band!” Nick yelled. They were in Howie’s apartment and it was pretty obvious he shouldn’t have brought Nick there. The place was going to be a mess in no time.

“I hardly think that’s up to you! Why won’t you just give him a shot? I think he’s nice enough and Kevin says he’s a good singer.’’

“He’s a dork Howie, have you even heard him talk? It sounds stupid,” Nick was cranky, he knew that. All day long they had shown New Guy around in Orlando. The kid had watched everything with wide eyes, which made Nick guess he hadn’t ever seen the outside of Kentucky.

“You’re being ridiculously childish Nick! We can’t just throw him out because of the way he talks! He’s from Kentucky, of course he has an accent!’’

“Yeah well, Kevin’s from Kentucky too! And he dan’t taik laike tis!” Nick hadn’t really wanted to argue with Howie. Howie was nice and awesome. Out of the four of them, he had the best sense of humour.

“Kevin’s been in Orlando for three years. Brian’s accent will fade in time too.”

“It’s not just the accent, Howie. It’s everything! He doesn’t belong in a band!’’

“Because you say so?”

“I’m part of the group as well, so I get a say so,” Nick yelled. It wasn’t fair. He hated the New Guy, so why did the rest like him?

“Jesus, Nick, don’t be so selfish. You got a chance to be in this band, and so does Brian!”

“But we don’t need him! We were perfect as just four! Why do we even bother looking for a fifth member?”

“Aha, so this isn’t really about Brian at all, is it? You just don’t want any more members in the group, no matter who shows up,” Howie was looking disapprovingly at him.

“Why can’t we just be a group of four?” Nick asked softly.

“Because Lou wants five. You know that. He’s the one who asked Kevin if he knew anyone else to be a part of the group. It’s not Brian’s fault that Kevin called him. You just need to give him a chance. Look at it from his point of view, he doesn’t know anyone here, except Kevin. Do you know what it must be like for him when you won’t even talk to him? Now he must be feeling unwanted” Howie was right, Howie was always right. But that didn’t mean Nick agreed with it. _Good, let him feel unwanted, cause that’s what he is._

“Well, he won’t be here long enough anyway. Tomorrow’s auditions,’’ Nick purred. _And I am going to kick him out._

“I’m sure he’ll be great. You’ve heard Lou, he says Brian’s a good singer,’’ Howie was nice, too nice. It didn’t matter if New Guy was a good singer, cause he’d never be good enough. Besides, it wasn’t like he was Freddie Mercury or something, right? _I sure hope not._

 

_September 2015_

“Look, Nicky, I know you don’t like him, but you haven’t even given him a chance.” Howie looked pissed. Howie always looked pissed these days. It seemed like there was nothing left of nice and peaceful Howard Dorough. His great sense of humour had been replaced by a stoic sadness that had completely taken over the whole group. The only jokes that were cracked were lame ones and the only pranks that were pulled were James’ and Mason’s. Howie’s son was six and didn’t really have any trouble to keep up with Kevin’s eight year old. The two kids were inseparable and it hurt Nick to watch them make a mess everywhere they went. It brought up memories he wanted to forget, like they never happened. He wanted to pretend he hadn’t lived the life he’d lived, but at the same time he wanted to remember every single detail, like that would bring everything back like it was, like it should be.

“I don’t need to give him a chance, cause he’s not getting in _our_ band,’’ Nick spoke quietly, as to not tick Howie off. He’d been forced to walk on eggshells around the others lately, everyone getting angry in a heartbeat it seemed. The deja-vu of the conversation wasn’t getting through to them. But it didn’t matter what Howie had to say to him, Nick wouldn’t change his mind, just like he hadn’t listened to his friend all those years ago.

But this time was different, this time he wouldn’t get convinced. This time he just wanted to be left alone, he wanted to quit, go home and stay there. And if it had ever been over, it had never been _this_ over. He wouldn’t accept anyone in the band anymore, because _he_ wasn’t in the band anymore. Nobody knew of Nick’s plans to quit yet, but Nick was sure they would understand. They had to. Nick was convinced he had a good reason to quit, because of the reason why they even needed a New Guy. He thought the others would feel the same as him, but apparently they didn’t. It didn’t matter anyway. _Go on, have a New Guy, he thought moodily. Have two New Guys…_ they wouldn’t be Brian, they would never be Brian, and that was reason enough.


	5. 5. Miracles Do Happen

_April 1993_

“Unbelievable, it’s only his first day, and he’s already late!” Nick grinned despite his remark. The day had started out great, without him having to do anything about it. They had all been called to the studio early, and New Guy and Kevin were nowhere to be found. Nick thought it was downward priceless.

“I know right? It’s like having a second Nick Carter!” AJ exclaimed and everybody laughed. Nick’s eyes narrowed at him and his grin fell from his face.

“I’ll have you know that I was right on time this morning,” he commented.

“So miracles _do_ happen!” discussing with AJ didn’t make much sense and Nick didn’t want to be the subject. They needed to get back to New Guy.

“Well, I’ve had so much fun with the two of you, I must go and call Kevin now, however,” Howie stated, who was sitting next to AJ on the couch. He stood up and left the room. Nick and AJ stayed behind. They could see Lou pacing the other room nervously through the glass window. Nick figured now was the perfect time to ask.

“Hey Alex, can I ask you something?” He scooted closer to AJ, his eyes big.

“Umm okay, yeah, sure,” AJ frowned. _What does he want from me?_

“What do you think about that New Guy?” Nick’s eyes never left AJ’s face.

“I don’t know, I mean, I don’t know him that well, but he seems alright,” AJ responded uncomfortably.

That was clearly not the answer Nick had been hoping for and he frowned deeply.

“Don’t you think he’s a little… uhh…. Weird?”

“Maybe, but so are you, shorty!” AJ laughed and Nick glared at him. He was so sick of being compared to New Guy.

“I’m not weird! That New Guy is! He talks like a nerd!”

“I know, I know. I think it’s funny. He’s a funny guy, you’ll like him too, I’m sure you will.”

“No, I won’t,” Nick said, crossing his arms, “Hey y’all, I’m Nickoolas, How’re y’all doin? Y’all doin awight?” He overdid the accent maybe a little bit, but it sent AJ right into a fit of laughter. At that point the door had opened and the person they’d been making fun of had come in. He must have heard Nick’s comment, cause his ever present goofy grin faded and he glared at the two of them.

“Nice,” Nick heard him mumble quietly. The young man turned around without giving them another look and left the room with his head hung low. Nick scoffed and smiled. He knew he should feel bad for what he did, but he couldn’t.

“I bet he’s gonna tell Kevin about it, what a wuss,” Nick said and he looked at AJ for approval. The older member was looking angrily at him.

“What?”

“You’re an ass, Nick,” AJ declared.

“What, you thought it was funny!” Nick said, offended.

“Whatever. He really doesn’t deserve the crap you’re giving him, you know.” AJ responded and stood up.

“Where’re going?” Nick asked, still on the couch.

“We’ve got work to do, whether you like it or not. Kevin and Brian are here now, so we get to start singing.”

Nick didn’t really want to go if New Guy would be there too, but he _loved_ singing, so he hopped of the couch and ran after AJ, trying to keep up with the taller boy as they trudged through the endless halls of the studio. Nick loved the studio, it was his new favourite place in the whole world, right after his bed.

“Ah, right, there you are. We were waiting for you guys,” Kevin said as the two youngest members came in.

“Oh that’s funny, cause we weren’t the ones being late this morning,” Nick responded glaring at New Guy. He couldn’t glare at Kevin, cause Kevin was too cool to be glared at. New Guy did his very best to pretend like he hadn’t heard Nick.

“What, were you too scared to come today?” Nick spoke. The room went quiet. Nick hadn’t attacked New Guy this directly before and everyone stared at the two apprehensively.

When New Guy didn’t react in any other way than staring furiously at Nick, his nostrils flaring, Nick turned towards the others, disappointed.

“Well, let’s go in then, get this over with,” he said.

They weren’t off to a very good start, Nick realized, but he had never meant to get off a good start anyway. He hated the guy, so what did it matter if the guy hated him too? Nick smiled as he stepped into the sound booth, seeing New Guy trailing behind. _Well, go on in, let me see what you can do, cause you’ll never be good enough to be in our band,_ he thought and prayed to God he was right.

 

 

_August 2015_

“I can’t believe they are going to replace him!’’ Nick yelled furiously, “They can’t replace him! He’s not just some dog you can… you know… _replace!_ ”

Lauren watched him worriedly. He had been like this for most of the year. Once the shock and denial had been taken over by the untameable anger, she had been unable to get a grip on his crashing downfall. She gently put a hand on his waist and let him to the couch.

“What’s wrong honey?”

“I already _fucking_ told you! They’re gonna replace my best friend! Why?”

Lauren sighed, they’d had this conversation more than once, but she never seemed to get through to her boyfriend.

“Maybe because they’re ready to move on,” she tried softly. It didn’t help. Nick looked at her and she could clearly see the fire in his eyes, burning his soul, burning everything that made him _her_ Nick. _How did it ever come this far?_

“We don’t fucking need to move on! We need Brian back, goddamnit!” Nick cried out and he broke down, sobbing in her arms, his head pressed against her chest. She wrapped her arms around him gently and put her head on top of his.

“He won’t come back sweetheart, he can’t,” she told him sadly.

“Why not? This is so unfair!”

“I wish I knew baby, I wish I knew,” she said and rocked him softly. Nick felt like he was thirteen again. But he didn’t have a fiancée to embrace him then. He’d only had a big brother. A big brother who would do anything for Nick, and Nick would do anything for him. That was what family was for. And now it was over. It had been over before, but it had never been _this_ over. They didn’t need another New Guy, they needed Brian, only Brian. Only then everything would be _awight._


	6. 6. Among the Stars

  1. Among The Stars



_April 1993_

To say Nick was pissed would be an understatement. He was angry, furious, and he felt like he was about to explode in a few seconds. He’d been forced to listen to New Guy sing and he’d realized that there would be no way in hell he’d be able to vote the guy out. Everyone looked like they were gonna piss themselves with excitement, especially Lou, and Lou was boss. And if that wasn’t enough, the fact that New Guy was _exactly_ in Nicks range of singing, was. Why couldn’t he be bass, like Kevin and AJ? Why couldn’t he go bother Howie with a really high voice? Why did he have to be tenor, like Nick? Nick prayed with all his might that, once his voice had changed, he’d be something else than tenor. He watched sulkily as the others praised New Guy to heaven. Nick felt left out, as he refused to stand with the others.

It wasn’t even fair. Nick had worked so hard to be able to sing like he did, his entire life. He’d had singing classes when he’d been just five years old.  He knew the others had too, but not New Guy. He could tell by the way the guy was singing that he hadn’t had any form of training. He lacked technique and stability, but it still sounded great. New Guy was a natural, and Nick hated naturals. He smiled to himself. The problem with naturals was that, because they hadn’t ever learned a proper technique, their voices would ultimately begin to fail them. Nick would like to see that happen. It would shut New Guy up for good, better sooner than later.

“Nick, we really don’t need your sulking head in here, if you’re going to keep glaring, you better step outside,” he heard Lou comment.

Nick made a great deal of staring at Lou, as if he were considering something, and then stepped out of the room. _Just to prove my point._ Nick knew the others were looking at each other, silently electing one of them to go and talk to Nicky. He had a feeling it would be Kevin.

“Oh I would just love to know what’s going on inside _your_ head, little man,” he heard the oldest member growl.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Nick really didn’t want to talk about it with New Guy’s cousin, cause he knew whose side Kevin would choose.

“Come on, you’ve been a pain in the ass ever since I even mentioned Brian to you guys, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t know…” Nick stretched, looking at the ground.

“You don’t really like new people, do you?” Kevin came right to the point. _Very perceptive._

“I like you. It’s not just that he’s new. It’s…”

“What?”

“I don’t know…”

“Look, if you can’t even think of one single _good_ reason not to like him, I don’t want to see you hating on him one more time, got it?”

“So he told you ‘bout what happened in the lounch room?” Nick asked innocently. _I knew it! Too much of a pussy to go and solve his problems by himself._

Kevin’s eyes narrowed and he took a few seconds before he answered. “No.”

“Right!”

“What happened in the lounch room, Nick?” Kevin asked, staring into his face. _Shit._

Nick opened his mouth, thought about it for a second and then he closed it again. “Nothing,’’ he answered, smiling sweetly.

“Ugh, grow up,’’ with that, Kevin left, turning around only once more. “Remember what I said, if you can’t be nice to him, then leave him alone.”

“Yes sir!”

Nick watched him leave, rolling his eyes. He knew now he had to live with the fact that New Guy was in _their_ band, but that didn’t say he was gonna like it, or gonna give up without a fight.

 

_September 2015_

Nick watched the stars as they glittered thousands of miles above his head. He loved the stars, almost just as much as he loved the sea. The two concepts made him feel very small and insignificant, and he needed that. It kept him grounded, it kept him safe. He put an arm around Lauren and whispered something in her ear that made her smile.

“We would never make it,” she responded, still smiling.

“Why not? It’s worth a shot,” her boyfriend offered.

“We wouldn’t even get further than, what, maybe Jupiter?”

“Far enough. I just want to get out of here,” Nick muttered silently.

“You’re silly. We’re not astronauts, little goose,” she replied and put her head on his shoulder. Nick didn’t answer and watched the stars again instead. He sighed sadly. Lauren didn’t know how serious his offer had been. Of course he didn’t want to live among the stars, cause that would be _silly._ But lately he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out, get away. Do something entirely different, only then _maybe_ he could forget about everything. Only then _maybe_ he could move on. But then again _maybe_ it was too late to move on…

He was still thinking about it the next day as he drove to wherever he needed to be. He hadn’t bothered to check, his GPS would get him anywhere without question. Today would be the day. Today he would be free. _If Kevin could do it, why can’t I?_


	7. Battle Song

May 1993

Seaworld. They were going to be the greatest band in history and Seaworld was a good place to start. The greatest band without a name anyway. Together only for two weeks, Lou had come in one day to announce that he got them a gig. Nick had watched with a level of satisfaction how New Guy, who’d never performed for something other than his church or school, seemed to have a complete nervous breakdown. He’d wanted to ask why New Guy had even considered joining a band if he was too scared to perform, but had kept his mouth shut when he’d seen Kevin’s warning glare. He’d noticed that Kevin made a great deal of keeping an eye on Nick and New Guy, afraid they’d fight each other out of their skins. Nick assumed he was probably right. But when Kevin wasn’t looking, he’d make sure to make New Guy’s life to a living hell. He’d actually been surprised when New Guy, who he considered awfully mild mannered, had begun to fight back. It had gotten to a point they couldn’t even look at each other without saying something nasty. But it was always Nick that started it, and he was proud of that, it let him know that he was in charge.

Now the five of them were sitting on a bench on a market square, totally exhausted from rehearsing their performance over and over again, planning everything out into the smallest details so that nothing could go wrong. Nick had noticed that New Guy had refused any major leads, probably scared that he would shit his pants if he would have to sing solo. Some artist you are. Nick hadn’t wasted any chance on taking the parts instead and he felt considerably satisfied with what they had accomplished that day. There was only one problem: they didn’t have a name for their act. They had everything else, but that wouldn’t matter a damn thing if they couldn’t be announced as a group. They’d spent the rest of the afternoon wrecking their brains over possible names, but hadn’t gotten anywhere so far.

“What about ‘The Shoplifters’?” AJ suggested, his eyebrows raised.

“Why are you unable to come up with a name that doesn’t sound like we’re perverts or criminals… or both?” Howie replied.

“I haven’t actually heard you come up with anything, D.” Howie and AJ had known each other for years and they were always bickering, but they never seemed to mean a word of what they said to each other.

Nick had long since given up on his suggestions, as New Guy brusquely denied all of them. It sucked, they had agreed that the decision must be unanimous, so any suggestion Nick made, would be refused by New Guy. On the other side New Guy hadn’t even bothered making suggestion, cause he probably knew that Nick would reject them. Their stubbornness left the two out of the game and Nick watched sullenly as New Guy stared off in the distance. All hope was vested in Kevin now.

“Kev?” Howie asked in a begging tone. Kevin seemed lost in thought, not noticing anything around him, so he must be thinking of something good.

“How about ‘I have no freaking idea’?” he offered.

“No,” the other four said in unison and Kevin laughed.

“Seriously guys, don’t look at me, I’ve never been good with making up names and stuff.’’ Which left Kevin out of the game as well.

“What was it you were saying again, Alex?” Nick asked, out of options.

“’The Shoplifters’, and it’s AJ by the way, Nickolas,” AJ replied, sticking out his tongue.

“The Shoplifters’,” Nick repeated, nodding, “could work…”

“Ugh, don’t tell me you’re actually considering that,” Howie said, “it’s repulsive.”

“I know, but we’re kind of running out of other options here, and it’s the best one he’s suggested so far. Or do you want to go with ‘The Peeping Toms’?” Nick responded fiercely.

“Well no, but there’s gotta be something normal we can think of.”

“Such as?”

“What about Backstreet?” It seemed to get out of nowhere and Nick was about to automatically say no, when he heard New Guy open his mouth, but something made him stop. Instead he said: “What?”

“Backstreet,” New Guy repeated and he looked at Nick with his eyebrows high, daring him to reject. But Nick couldn’t and wouldn’t deny it, for it was absolutely brilliant, but he would never admit that. There was something missing though. Nick began to smile ecstatically, which made New Guy frown insecurely.

“Backstreet Boys,” Nick stretched the words, savouring the sound, loving every single syllable of the name.

“Well done, boys, we’ve got ourselves a name!” Kevin exclaimed, standing up, he came to stand in front of the group.

“Anyone have an objection?” he questioned.

Everyone kept his mouth shut.

“Then it is settled, from now on, we shall be the Backstreet Boys, the greatest pop band of the 20th century!” Kevin spoke solemnly.

“Amen to that bro!” AJ yelled, high-fiving Howie.

Nick kept staring at New Guy, who kept staring at Nick, attempting a small smile at his younger band mate.

“Sounds like we’ve got ourselves a name,” New Guy said, his eyes never leaving Nick’s.

Nick didn’t answer. The “we” thing was bothering him. They were supposed to fight each other, not making up names together. Not actually working together. It wasn’t part of the plan. He suddenly realized what New Guy was trying to do. He’s offering a truce.

“We should go and celebrate,” New Guy stated, his gaze still fixated on Nick.

“Not if you’re gonna be there,” Nick responded and with that, he stood up, walking away.

“Yeah run off, you chicken shit!” New Guy called.

Nick smiled, his back facing the others. It was war again, and Nick wouldn’t have it any other way, cause he didn’t know how to handle peace with New Guy. He turned around briefly to give his offender the finger and finally walked away, satisfied.

 

September 2015

“You want what? Why?” Kevin exclaimed, his eyebrows furrowing together.

“You know why,” Nick said. Of all people, Kevin should be able to understand. He’d been the inventor of leaving in the first place.

“No I don’t, explain why,” Kevin challenged. Nick sighed, he really didn’t want to explain things to Kevin, or to anyone for that matter. He didn’t want to elaborate on stuff that was in the past, stuff he was trying to forget, trying to block out in more ways than just one.

“I just feel like I’ve closed the chapter of boy bands,” he replied and flinched, he knew Kevin still despised the term ‘boy band’.

“So what? You’re going solo?” Kevin asked disbelievingly.

“No. Look, I’m just tired of all this shit, okay? I just need to do something different for a while, need to get out of this business.” The words sounded familiar, they were similar to the ones Kevin had said so many years ago, but used in an entire different situation.

“Nick listen, I know how you feel, okay? We all feel that way. It may seem useless now, but I promise it will get better, alright?”

“Don’t make promises Kevin. You know they won’t come true.”

“Just give it some time Nicky, it will get better, I’m sure.”

“No Kev! It won’t get better and it won’t be alright. Everything is so fucked up, why can’t you see that, damnit!”

“You don’t think I see that? He was my cousin, Nickolas, my family!”

“I know… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s alright to be upset, and maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re looking for replacement too early, but I don’t know what else to do.”

“It’s only been a year Kev. And how can we ever find proper replacement? He’ll never be good enough,” Nick tried sullenly.

Kevin smiled sadly. “You said that about Brian once too, remember?”

“That was different.”

“Yeah… you two were at it the hard way…” Kevin was still smiling, lost in a faint memory of a time when everything was indeed alright.

“We got over it,” Nick replied quietly.

“Thank God you did, cause there were times I was scared that we needed to break up before we had even started,” Kevin said jokingly. Nick was smiling now too, all the anger evaporating, replaced by the dark tiredness that never seemed to go away.

“You wouldn’t have let it come that far.”

“Maybe not. I don’t know and I’m glad I didn’t have to find out.”

“You’re welcome,” Nick laughed softly as Kevin smacked him on his head.

“Look, I just think it’s time to move on. Time to… you know…” Kevin whispered and Nick closed his eyes.

“No… say it…” the younger man choked out.

“… let go…”


	8. Greater than Sex

_May 1993_

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been at SeaWorld before. He used to go there every year on Easter. He’d never have to perform at SeaWorld though. He felt his heart hammering in his throat as they waited impatiently for their turn. Sure, he’d been excited before, but never like _this._ This was going to be their big break, they were gonna be popstars, they were going to be famous, they were the greatest five in the world, they were…

 “Oh my God! I can’t do this!” the greatest _four_ in the world.

Nick rolled his eyes and tried to concentrate on the three men in front of him, while ignoring the crouching figure to his left.

“Well, you don’t _have_ to go on, we can do this as four you know,” he mumbled through clenched teeth.

“Oh yes, you would surely like that, wouldn’t you!” New Guy lashed out. Apparently anxiety gave him more volume. _Good to know._

“Why did you join the group if you’re too scared to be on stage then?” Nick replied hatefully.

“To go and annoy the crap outta you!” It was New Guy’s standard answer, because it wasn’t the first time Nick asked the question.

“Boys, be nice!” AJ growled. Nick smiled as he saw the boy bite his nails anxiously. Everyone was scared, that was obvious and he sighed in relief. _At least I’m not the only one then._

“Yes Alex, sir!” he saluted and AJ laughed.

“It’s AJ for you, young man!” he demanded.

“Yes Al…, errh, I mean AJ sir!” They both erupted in a bolt of laughter. Goofing off was their way of releasing the tension they felt. They’d always done it, as long as he’d known AJ, which was over a year now. On his left, Nick felt New Guys angry glare upon him and AJ, but chose to ignore the Southerner. That was what he did most of the time anyway. It was nice to pretend there were still only four people in the band and somewhere inside him, there was a little bit of hope left that if only he waited long enough, New Guy would go away by himself. It also helped that New Guy seemed to hate him just as much now, so they were usually ignoring _each other._ AJ didn’t belong to the ignoring union though.

“Hey B-Rok, what’s the glare for?” the scrawny 15 year old asked and Nick sighed exasperated. New Guy had only been there for two weeks and they already had a cool nickname for him. Nick didn’t have a cool nickname, and he thought, of all people, he’d deserve a cool _nick_ name. Kevin called him _Chaos_ sometimes, but Nick considered that as an insult, rather than a nickname. So he started to call Kevin _Train,_ for no matter what you did, proposed or invented, Kevin would always come around and thunder over everything, just like a train. He was too cool to take Nick seriously though, which destroyed half the fun of course. AJ had declared himself as _Bone,_ for obvious reasons. He had a nasty obsession over skulls and was terribly skimpy by nature. _Bone_ suited him. Much unlike New Guy’s name. Nick had never bothered to ask, but he assumed _B-Rok_ had something to do with Rock’n’Roll, and as he looked at the pale and shaky guy that stood next to him now, he didn’t know how AJ had ever even come up with the name.

Before New Guy could think of an excuse for his angry stare, a crew member came up to the group.

“Four minutes, guys, are you ready?” Nick nodded and saw New Guys eyes get big as he swallowed difficultly. _How cool would it be if he fainted,_ Nick wondered and smiled to himself. His mind on pure evil mode, he pushed New Guy to the ground. The blond fell on his bum and Nick saw the fire explode in his blue eyes. _Shit._ Nick suddenly realized that, if New Guy was really the ‘funny’ guy AJ claimed him to be, this wasn’t the best time to find out. He had about three seconds to plan an escape, before he felt his feet being pulled from underneath him. Losing his balance immediately, he crashed to the ground on his ass, right next to New Guy. He could hear AJs roaring laughter somewhere above him and realized just how funny the two of them must look. Nick smiled sweetly at the tormented guy next to him, who was looking like he was going to fulminate right in front of him, as he stared at Nick with his arms crossed and his jaw clenched.

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you, I just lost my _momentum_ or something like that,” he stated innocently. They both knew it was a lie, just like Nick intended to.

“My butt hurts,” was all New Guy said, before standing up stiffly.

“Guys, you’re on in twenty seconds!” the crew member came into view again as Nick too stood up, rubbing his behind grimacing.

“Let’s do this,” he heard New Guy grumble and looked at him in surprise. All the tension had vanished from the boy’s face, replaced by a stern determination, probably coming from the anger burning in his veins.

The show was great, the most exciting feeling Nick had felt in his whole life. This was what he was made for, this was his calling. If he’d known what _sex_ felt like, he’d say it felt greater than _sex._

High on adrenaline, he heard New Guy sing the only solo he hadn’t been able to turn down, and could easily feel the emotion New Guy was pouring into it. It sounded awesome and Nick smiled at Brian, then realized he hated the guy, and went on ignoring New Guy again.

 

_September 2015_

“Who do you think you are, you can’t leave!” Howie glared at him. Over the years, after everything that had happened, there was nothing left of _Sweet D._

“Why not? Kevin left once too, remember?” Nick shouted a little louder than he had intended.

“That was an entire different situation!” Howie yelled back and Nick scoffed. Once he had mentioned his departure, the meeting he’d called had soon turned into a shouting match.

“Right! What about Brian? He left!” He knew he was going too far, that he’d hit a sensitive spot. But right at that point, he couldn’t care less.

“Don’t you say that! Brian didn’t have a choice!” Howie said, a little more insecure this time.

“Yeah, cause we forced him to leave!” Nick yelled, if he wanted to destroy Howie’s defences, he didn’t have to go much further.

“Shut up Nick!” Howard yelled, which only fuelled Nick’s anger more. All his life he’d been told to shut up once the other didn’t know what to say anymore. Not that they’d ever listened to him anyway.

“No, _you_ shut up! Don’t pretend like you’ve ever even tried to contact him! Or have you already declared him _dead?_ ” It was the final blow, and a heavy one. He watched satisfied as Howie began to shut down. A darkness took over his brown eyes and he shrunk back in his chair. AJ saw it too and frowned angrily at Nick. Of course, after all these years, AJ was still sticking up for Howard like he used to.

“Yeah? Well, what about you, huh? When was the last time _you_ spoke to Brian?”

 Nick stared at AJ for a long time and finally sighed, defeated.

“I dunno. He’s mad at me.”

“I know, he’s mad at all of us, and he has a good reason. But so did we.”

Nick didn’t respond, he knew AJ was right, but that didn’t mean their situation didn’t still _suck._

“Okay, is it settled then?” Kevin asked, who hadn’t said a word since the meeting started, he’d just sat back and observed, like he’d often done in the past. Only when the situation escalated, he was there to prevent the worse. _But there was only so much he could prevent._

“What’s settled?” Howie and Nick asked in unison.

“Nick’s not leaving the band, cause if we lose one more member, there’s gonna be nothing left,” Kevin explained.

Nick, about to protest, thought about it for a moment instead and finally spoke up, “Okay, I won’t leave, _but,_ ” he stretched and looked his bandmates purposely in the eyes, “we’re not getting a new guy, cause I find that rather disrespectful.”

He could see the other guys clenching their jaws, thinking hard to come up with a solution that would make all of them happy.

“I don’t know…” AJ mumbled.

“Come on! We didn’t replace Kevin!” Nick exclaimed, waving his hand at the oldest member.

“That’s because we always _knew_ Kevin would come back one day. We just have to face it. Brian’s never coming back,” Howie said softly. The room went quiet. Howie had spoken a truth all of them liked to ignore. Saying it out loud made it all the more… _true._

“You think I don’t know that?” Nick said finally, “All I ask is that we give him some respect and leave his spot empty. _Forever._ ” 


	9. Prospection Abroad

_July 1993_

So SeaWorld hadn’t been their big break. It hadn’t even been a _small_ break. In fact, SeaWorld hadn’t broken anything for that matter.  Nick didn’t understand it. Had they been doing something wrong perhaps? If so, he blamed New Guy.

Now, they had gotten the terribly ungrateful task of sauntering from high school to high school to spread their music. Nick thought it was horrible. They didn’t get paid, they didn’t get recognition, they only got booed off of the stage. It went on and on and Kevin had gotten so fed up with it that he decided they should do acapella before even entering the stage. It had been clearly his best idea since joining the group. Kevin was full of good ideas since joining the group, that is, if you didn’t count the fact he called New Guy into the band anyway. Singing acapella proved its work and they didn’t get booed anymore. Still, Nick didn’t like going to the schools. Those kids weren’t waiting for a group of goofballs to go and sing. There was no joy, no excitement, no _love_ lost on the group of five. Not like Nick had dreamt about for so many years anyway. He blamed New Guy.

To keep things rolling, Lou had promised the quintet that he had some very close friends in Sweden, and they were producers. Maybe they could help them get a record deal. Why they needed to go all the way to Sweden to get a deal was beyond Nick, but he _did_ know that Sweden was kind of on the other side of the world, and the only way they could get there, would be by plane.

_God, I hate airplanes._

He had tried to tell them that, but everyone was too excited to pay him any mind. Howie claimed he’d been to Europe once, and that it was _awesome._ He’d never been past London though, and when asked if Sweden would be anything like London, he’d answered, ‘’Do I look like I know?’’

Standing in the middle of the airport now, all on his own, he regretted ever agreeing on _Sweden._ He was lost, he knew that much, which was quite surprising, seeing as they had been a large group of people. Kevin had been there. Kevin was a tall guy, almost impossible to lose sight of. Nick had managed to do so though. AJ had been there. AJ was a loud guy, almost impossible to drown out. Nick had managed to do so though. Howie had been there. Howie was a clingy guy, almost impossible to get rid of. Nick had managed to do so though. New Guy had been there. New Guy was an annoying guy, easily possible to ignore. Nick had managed to do so obviously. His mother had been there. Jane Carter was even worse than Howie, clutching her son tight to her so he wouldn’t lose her. Nick had managed to do so though. AJs mom had been there. She was even louder than her son, but Nick had ignored her just as easily as he ignored New Guy. He had a talent for ignoring, especially mothers. He didn’t really know why they needed to come with them. Well, he did know why, but considered it a stupid reason. AJ and he were old enough to travel by themselves, thank you very much!

Right now, he wouldn’t mind his mother being there though. He anxiously looked around, searching, waiting for a sign that told him where to go. Orlando Airport was _too_ big, and he was _too_ short to see anything over the heads of the thousands of people that were there. He truly was all on his own. He blamed New Guy.

But it couldn’t really be anyone’s fault, but his own, he knew that very well. He had been feeling nauseous all day, suspecting it had something to do with the prospection of being on a plane, but claiming he’d eaten bad sushi the evening before. He’d been looking pale for a good part of the day and when Kevin asked if he was feeling okay, he told him he needed to go to the toilet. So he did. Maybe it had been a bad idea to go and puke right before boarding time, but he couldn’t help himself. When he came back, shaking and coughing, the place was crowded with people, like the airport had suddenly turned into an anthill, and he couldn’t remember for the life of him where the gate was where they’d been standing at only five minutes before. _Or was it ten minutes?_

God, this sucked, this sucked so bad. He felt like screaming. Didn’t anyone see him? Didn’t he look like a little kid in distress? He had tried several times to ask the rushing crowd if they knew what gate he should be at, but they either shrugged or didn’t respond at all. And now, as the crowd seemed to evaporate somewhat, he could see that the worse had happened. Gate 34 to 38 were closed. He felt like Little Kevin in the Home Alone movies he’d seen the year before.

 He’d missed the plane.

That wouldn’t be so bad if there was someone left to pick him up. But he was the only one who’d missed the damn thing. Or maybe not.

He was about to collapse unto the floor from despair, when he saw the weirdest thing. There, just a few yards away from him, there was another person, looking directly at him, with a very pissed off and worried look on his face.

Nick stared back and wished with all he had that it had been someone else. His mouth dropped open, but he couldn’t form the words that were playing on his lips. Astonished, he watched as the person came closer, grabbed him by the arm and started to pull him towards the seats at the edge of the enormous hall.

“Sit.”

Nick sat.

He watched as New Guy stalked away in a brusque manner and wondered what the hell had just happened. 


	10. Call Guy

October 2015

Anxiously fumbling with his cell phone, Nick tried to keep his attention on the road. He failed miserably. As he swerved past yet another big truck, he decided to park somewhere safe before pulling out his phone once again. This time he’d made up his mind. This time he was really gonna call. This time there was no way of going back. Or maybe there was? No. Not this time.

He started to punch in the numbers, thought about it for a second and then deleted the digits. I don’t even remember the number. It wasn’t like the number wasn’t in the cell phone, but Nick felt it was the wrong one, as it was never picked up.

In a bright moment, he rummaged through the junk under his dashboard and triumphantly pulled out a small notebook. After blowing off the dust, he skipped through it ‘til he reached the page he was searching for.

There it was.

Brian: home

Nick scolded himself when he realized the number didn’t even look familiar. He held the phone close to his ear, after he dialled the digits. He thought about breaking off again, but before he could do so, he heard the phone being picked up at the other end of the line. His heart started to pound in his chest.

“This is Baylee Littrell,” a young voice said, a voice he’d recognize anywhere. The boy didn’t even have to mention his name.

“Hey Bay, it’s Nick. Remember me?” he drawled nervously.

“Yes,” came the curt answer. Nick felt disappointed. He’d expected a little more enthusiasm in the child’s voice.

“Hi buddy, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? God, I feel like I haven’t seen you in a thousand years. So how old are you now? Nine… ten?” he babbled.

“I’m twelve and a half,” Baylee spoke slowly, as if speaking to a retard. Nick could tell the kid was becoming annoyed rapidly.

“Right, I knew that,”

“Right. So, you want me to go get my dad?” he asked hopefully. Good boy, getting to the point.

“He’s home?” Nick responded fearfully.

“Of course he’s home. He’s always home, if he doesn’t have to… you know,” Baylee said the last part very softly and Nick had to strain his ears to even hear it.

“… I know,” he replied after a short pause, “you think he’d wanna talk to me?” he felt the uncertainty creeping into his voice again.

“Oh, I’m very sure he would,” Baylee answered and Nick could clearly hear the smile in his voice. That certainly does not predict anything good, Nick’s paranoid mind warned. He didn’t listen to it though. What was the worst that could happen? Sure, they hadn’t parted on the most friendly terms. Sure, he hadn’t seen or spoken the guy in nearly seven months. Sure. But could it really get any worse?

Finally finding the courage to answer the kid on the phone, he said, “Uhhh… okay…”

Baylee took that as a sign to start gibbering at a fast speed and Nick couldn’t make out half of what the 12-year-old was talking about.

“… okay cool,… doesn’t like me hanging around bored… my Nintendo broke three days ago, so it’s not my fault… can you imagine how cold it is down here… I don’t really know where he is, hang on,”

“I thought you said he was home,” Nick asked innocently.

There was a short pause and Nick heard the boy sigh exasperatingly, “Well, duh. Have you ever been here? This place is huge!” Nick didn’t respond, cause he knew the kid was right.

“Dad? Dad? Wooohooo! Shit, where is he?” he wasn’t sure if Baylee was still talking to him, but he did know that it wasn’t gonna work this way.

“So I assume your mom isn’t home, is she?” he also knew that if Leighanne were home, Baylee wouldn’t have used the word ‘shit’.

“Nope, it’s just me and my dad,” faintly he could hear the spark of pride in the boy’s voice. He knew Brian wasn’t as strict as Leighanne and Baylee must feel like the king of a castle.

“Haha, cool,” Nick smiled, enjoying the boy’s sudden energy.

“I really wonder where he could have gone though,” Baylee said, puzzled.

“Have you tried calling him?” Nick offered. He knew Brian’s house resembled something close to a maze and finding one another was almost impossible. Nick had quite often suggested an intercom, but Brian thought it was ‘too impersonal’. If that were true, you should have bought a smaller place.

“How can I call him when you’re calling me?” Baylee replied sweetly.

Nick blinked a couple of times. He forgave the child immediately. The boy couldn’t help the fact that he was blond. In fact, Nick was sure he would have asked the same if he were twelve.

“Try and open another line, perhaps?” He could almost hear Baylee’s head in overdrive, thinking hard and there was a long pause at the other end of the line, in which Nick had time to wave and smile to a couple of women driving by, eyeing him excitedly.

“Umm, Nick?”

“Yup?”

“How do I do that?”

He couldn’t help but laugh, for no matter how old the boy had gotten, he still needed Nick’s help figuring out phones. Nick had helped Baylee with his first cell phone too. Of course, the kid had primarily asked his father, but told Nick that Brian had stared at the phone for the whole of five minutes before shrugging and handing it back to his son, claiming that Baylee should learn for himself. Nick remembered Baylee asking him whether his dad came from the middle ages or not.

“Just push the button that has two thin lines on it, should be on the top somewhere,” he said, staring at his own phone, just to be sure.

“I think I found it! Thanks, Nick!”’

“No problem buddy,” he managed to squeeze out. In about a minute, he would be hearing a voice that he probably wouldn’t be able to recognize, but which belonged undoubtedly to his best friend. A friend of whom he wasn’t sure was even his friend anymore.


	11. Repositions

_‘’Start a war with all your friends_ __  
You kick 'em down the street  
That's the way to treat your friends  
yeah, that's a friend indeed’’

_July 1993_

He’d been sitting on the bench at the airport hall for a long time now and wondered if New Guy had been just figment of his panicky imagination, for the man had vanished out of his sight completely and hadn’t come back. It was getting late, _very late,_ and he felt like he should be doing something about his situation. Normally, he’d be asleep at this hour.

Just when he had made up his mind to go and wander off by himself, he saw New Guy tramping his way again, looking even more pissed off than he did 45 minutes ago. Nick tried to melt into his seat, he felt so embarrassed. Most of the time, he enjoyed it whenever New Guy was pissed off, but not now. This time New Guy was a whole new level of pissed off, and Nick didn’t have any control over it. He stared up at his mandatory companion cautiously, his eyes big, waiting for him to say something. Nick felt like he was five years old again. He’d gotten lost then too, in the zoo of Central Park. He shivered when he thought about it, but realized that the situation he found himself in now was about ten times worse.

“So we’re in huge ass trouble,” New Guy grumbled.

“Oh?” Nick squeaked, which sounded _so not cool._

“Yeah, ‘oh’ is right!” New Guy responded, collapsing into a seat opposite of Nick and staring off angrily, without saying another word.

After a while, Nick had finally managed to collect enough courage to ask, “No offense, but why are _you_ still here?”

New Guy’s eyes finally focused on Nick’s and he spoke, “No offense, but I could ask _you_ the same question.’’ By the glare on the other boy’s face, Nick could easily tell that New Guy was here for a whole other reason than Nick, and he suspected it had something to do with him.

Unbelievable.

Of all the people travelling with them, had New Guy really been the only one that had bothered to check if everyone was there? Had he really been the only one to notice that Nick wasn’t with them?

Unbelievable.

“I got lost,” Nick murmured quietly, almost inaudibly.

“Tell me you’re kidding…” Brian warned.

Nick shook his head shamefully, shrinking back. Something in the voice of his bandmate told him not to reply.

“UNBELIEVABLE!” Brian boomed. “UN-Fuckin’- BELIEVABLE!”

Nick watched him with fearful eyes. Never had he heard Brian curse, never had he not been angry with Brian, when Brian was angry with him. Now all he felt was guilt, for the short 18-year-old was stuck here too probably because of Nick.

“You got lost?! How in God’s name…”

“I was nervous, okay?” Nick snapped, “I had to go to the toilet to… you know… I hate flying…” he trailed off. He looked up and saw Brian staring at him, expectantly.

“There were so many people when I came back, I just didn’t know where to go… I couldn’t see a thing and everyone was in too much of a hurry to tell me. I must have wandered off somewhere…”

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “This is just great! Just terrific! Fuckin’ hilarious! There I was, thinking you’d been trampled, or kidnapped or something terrible like that, but no, mister Carter was just too nervous to keep his dinner in! I should have checked the toilets first, I feel so stupid!”

He couldn’t feel more stupid than Nick did.

“I’m sorry, I was just lost…” he didn’t really have any more to say.

“There! You see that number? Gate 35? That’s our gate.” Nick followed Brian’s pointing finger across the hall.

“Oh…” he nodded, avoiding any eye contact.

In response, Brian lay down on his bench, bringing his hands up to his face. “I can’t believe this, I can’t believe I came looking for you!” he repeated over and over.

“You came looking for me?” Nick asked, as if that weren’t obvious yet.

“Yeah, and I’ve never regretted something as much as that in my life,’’ Brian replied, his voice muffled through his hands.

Nick didn’t say anything again for a long time. He was impressed. Shamefully, he knew that he wouldn’t have done the same thing if their roles had been reversed. _No, certainly not._ Whatever had possessed Brian to even bother searching, was something Nick hadn’t done anything for to deserve.

“What if we take the next plane?” Nick suggested, surprised he hadn’t thought of that simple solution in the first place.

“We can’t, you moron,” Brian replied, still in the same position.

“Why not?” Nick asked innocently.

“ _Because,_ dimwit, we have tickets for July the 15th. And guess who just jumped on the last plane to Stockholm on July the 15th? Everyone but us!”

“So?”

“ _So,_ we can’t get another plane, cause our tickets aren’t valid anymore tomorrow. I checked.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

 


	12. Camille Tea

_October 2015_

“Yo.”

“Dad?”

“Wassup buddy? Something wrong?”

“The hell are you?”

There was a pause on the second line. Baylee held his breath, wondering if his father had forgotten. _It wouldn’t be the first time._

“Garden, I figure,” came the long awaited answer.

“No you’re not! _I’m_ in the garden!” Baylee yelled frustrated. He knew Nick could hear everything that was being said, but didn’t care. Nick had a right to know.

There was another long pause on the other end. Baylee had grown used to the time it took for his dad to find an answer to certain questions and he waited, although quite impatiently.

“I know you are Bub, I can see you.” The young child spun on his heels and saw his father sitting about fifty yards further, on a bench between his favourite two trees. Baylee rolled his eyes, sighed, and waved, a small smile forming on his lips. His dad was smiling too and waved back, cell phone in one hand, a cup of Camille tea in the other. Baylee’s smile grew bigger. _He_ had been the one to make his dad Camille tea and he felt pleased that dad was actually drinking it. _Or pretending to anyway._

Dad held the cell phone high with a questioning look. _Oh yeah!_ Baylee had almost forgotten Nick was still on the other line. He wondered why Nick hadn’t called his father’s cell phone, but he knew the reason very well. Dad didn’t want to pick up any calls that weren’t from Baylee or mom.

Suddenly a yapping, woolly white form brushed against his ankles and raced into the open field.

“Momo, stay!” he ordered loudly and the tiny Maltese halted abruptly. Baylee smirked, glad that there was at least something left he could keep in control in his life.

“Go get dad,” he commanded. The dog didn’t move a muscle and stared up at his master expectantly instead. There was only so much you could expect out of a Maltese. He sighed again. The grass looked wet, and he had forgotten to put  his shoes on. Why his father didn’t come to _him,_ Baylee didn’t know, but dad did a lot of things Baylee didn’t understand lately.

Cautiously and experimentally he put his right, socked foot on the cold morning grass, then jerked it back immediately, completely soaked. Looking up, he waved angrily at his father, signalling dad came to _him._ Finally taking the hint, the older man came trudging sluggishly towards him, his hands still full of telephone and tea.

“Wassup, Bay?” dad asked tiredly.

“You can put away the cell now, dad,” Baylee instructed. A strange look appeared on his father’s face and he took the phone from his ear, stared at it for a moment and finally hit the end button.

“Was there something in particular you wanted to tell me, Bub?” Dad smiled sweetly.

“You’ve got a call, and it’s Baylee, by the way.”

“Call? Who?” He could see the suspicion beginning to shape in his father’s eyes.

“I can’t tell you it’s a surprise,” Baylee said innocently.

“Gimme,” Dad replied quickly, the tension getting too hard for him.

Baylee handed over the phone, smirking. _Finally something’s gonna get down!_ he thought as he heard his dad answer.

“Hello?”


	13. Stand By You

_July 1993_

                Brian kept his eyes closed, but Nick knew he wasn’t sleeping.

After a while, Brian’s anger had diminished somewhat and they had tried to figure out what to do now. Well, Brian had. Now it was pretty obvious to Nick why Brian and Kevin were family, and he had thought Kevin was the biggest control freak in the world…

                Brian had taken charge completely and didn’t leave any room for Nick’s suggestions, so the 13-year-old just nodded and said yes to everything. He didn’t feel that he had a right to argue anyway. To be honest, he was glad that he wasn’t alone.

Nick had never realized that missing a plane would cause so much trouble and stress. They’d decided to spend the night at the airport and thankfully, they weren’t the only ones.  Brian had tried to use the phone to call his parents, but apparently they weren’t home, and Nick’s parents were on a plane to Stockholm. Nick remembered their planning really well.

“Tomorrow we’ll call Lou and the others at the hotel,” Brian had informed surly.

“You got the number?” Nick had questioned.

“Yeah, it’s in my luggage, that’s… on the plane… right now…” Brian had stopped pacing and got a look of pure terror on his face, “Shit! I don’t have the number!”

“Relax, cause _I_ do!” Nick had smiled triumphantly, waving a sheet of information in the air, that he’d just gotten out of his hand luggage.

“You little shit! You tryin’ to give me a heart attack? Geez!”

“Calm down, you won’t get a heart attack that easily.” Nick didn’t really know why, but Brian had looked at him meaningfully and then grabbed the piece of paper out of the youngest hands.

“Gimme that. I’ll keep it,” he had stated.

“Pfff, you’re such a control freak,” Nick had protested playfully.

“I like to call it ‘well prepared’, g’night.” And that was that. He’d lain down on the bench and pretended to sleep. Nick knew he was pretending, cause he _himself_ wasn’t even able to sleep here, and he could sleep _anywhere_ else. 

“I’m sorry,” he stated soberly.

There wasn’t an answer. _Disappointing._ Nick felt a great need to apologize suddenly. Not just for getting lost, but mostly because it was obvious to him that he’d totally misjudged Brian. No, he needed to apologize for _everything,_ as he realized how rude his behaviour must have been.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, a little louder this time.

“I heard you,” Brian mumbled.

Nick smirked, enjoying the fact that he’d been right about Brian not sleeping. They had found an almost deserted hall at the end of the airport and tried to find some rest on the cold, hard benches in the middle.

 Nick tucked the thin blanket tighter around his frame. Miraculously, Brian had pulled it out of his bag and had handed it to Nick without a word, while taking off his own jacket that would have to function as a cover for himself. Nick had no idea how to make sense out of Brian’s behaviour, and had accepted the blanket wordlessly. Now, as he watch his companion shivering slightly in his t-shirt, he shrugged off his own jacket quickly and threw it on Brian. It may be July, but the airport’s air condition did it’s work perfectly and it was downright cold in there.  There were a few minutes of silence, while Brian picked up Nick’s jacket, that had fallen ungracefully on the ground.

“Thanks,” he murmured eventually.

“I’m sorry.” Nick said and he could see Brian smiling vaguely.

“I know you are, Nick.”

“And?”

‘’Never say sorry, unless you know what you’re sorry for,” came the simple answer.

“I’m sorry for everything,” Nick tried.

“… that’s a lot.”

Brian had decided to be cryptic in his answers obviously and Nick could tell the other boy enjoyed every moment of his apology.

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“See for yourself…”

“Look, I’m sorry I’ve been such a dickhead to you all the time, I shouldn’t have,”

“That’s a start,” Brian replied.

“I just don’t really like strangers, it had nothing to do with you, really,” Nick confessed quietly.

“Wow, that’s a relief, so basically, you’re rude to everyone?” Brian sneered back.

Nick thought about that for a minute. “Well, yeah…”

“Good to know,” Brian shrugged and nodded.

“I’m sorry I got us stranded here as well,” Nick continued.

“Hey, I’ll tell you a secret,” Brian began.

“What?”

“I hate flying too.”

Nick stayed silent for a few seconds, then he looked at Brian and saw the enormous smirk on the kid’s face and they both started laughing.

“I’m glad you’re here, Brian,” he suddenly said.

“You’re welcome.”


	14. Black Mind

_October 2015_

It took a long time for Nick to find the words that could answer the other person on the line. Apparently too long, cause he could hear Brian getting agitated.

“Hello? If this is a joke, it’s not funny. I’m gonna hang up now.”

Nick reacted quickly, “Hey,” he squeezed out clumsily.

A heavy silence followed and Nick could almost _hear_ Brian thinking, trying to remember a name that would be applicable to the caller. After what seemed ages, his friend answered.

“Nick?”

“Hey,” Nick repeated, not able to utter anything else when he heard the hoarse and beaten voice of his best friend, who had once been his _brother_. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if he could trust his voice enough.

“Hey,” came the dumbfounded response of his friend. They really needed to pass the ‘hey’ stadium now. Nick thought for a minute, gripped his phone tight and squeaked, “How you feeling?”

“Ugh, why is everyone _always_ asking me that?” Brian sounded tired, a little annoyed, but not mad. It was more than Nick could have hoped for.

“Because they care about you?” he suggested and immediately realized he shouldn’t have.

“Oh, do they now?” Brian snarled heatedly. _Fuck._

“I… I don’t... but…” Nick stammered pathetically. He wished there was something he could say that would make it okay.

“You know, I don’t even remember the last time I talked to you, or anyone of you for that matter,” Brian replied frustrated, but Nick didn’t hear any sign of actual anger in his voice. It was almost like Brian was angry at himself…

“I’m sorry,” Nick tried confused.

“No, _I’m_ sorry! I’m sorry for not remembering when you called!” Brian’s frustrations shone through his soft voice, which got even more hoarse than before. Nick closed his eyes and sighed. This wasn’t how he had pictured their conversation. He thought he’d been prepared for _everything,_ cause he knew a conversation with Brian nowadays wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. It had taken some time for everyone to get used to the sudden mood changes, the long moments of silence and the blank stares. He had been prepared for those things. But he very well knew that Brian had no business apologizing for something like this.

“Don’t be, it’s my fault. It’s been too long, _I_ don’t even remember,” he confessed brokenly.

A long, heavy silence followed and Nick waited patiently, knowing Brian was still there. Nick regretted the fact that he hadn’t been there in the past seven months, that he had had no idea of how bad it had gotten. He could almost see his friend through the phone, struggling to think of the words he wanted to say, but that simply weren’t _there_.

When the silence continued on, longer than usually, Nick realized his friend wasn’t in any state to be having an even remotely _normal_ conversation. He also knew it was his fault for getting Brian all worked up now. He wished he hadn’t just _called,_ he wished he’d been there beside his brother, to speak to him face to face, he knew Brian would have preferred that. He knew his friend rather talked to someone in person, cause it probably made it easier somehow. He realized now that he hadn’t had the wrong number in his phone, it was just that Brian rarely even picked up his cell phone anymore.

“Bri?” he asked softly, tentatively.

“Nick?” came the terribly astonished answer. Nick closed his eyes again, feeling the tears welling up and spilling over. _This isn’t right._

“Nick, is that really you?”

Nick waited a few seconds, not answering, making up his mind. He was actually glad when he came to the decision.

“Nick?” He felt the panic in Brian’s shattered voice.

“Hold on, Bri, I’ll be there in two hours.”


	15. The Good Life

_July 1993_

“You think they’re gonna be pissed?”

“Umm, yeah.”

“Fuck, I wish this hadn’t happened.”

“Don’t say fuck.”

“Fuck.”

 

_October 2015_

_“You shouldn’t be driving when you’re upset.”_ His mom had told him once, or had it been Angel? It didn’t matter, there were a lot of things he shouldn’t do, or have done. He tried to focus on the road stretched ahead of him, which thankfully was nearly desolate, but it didn’t work. His mind was already in Atlanta, pushing the intercom frantically, just as long as someone, _anyone,_ would answer. He drove as fast as he could, all the while wondering how it could have come this far, without him knowing about it. He felt a headache beginning to take form, but headaches didn’t really mean what they used to nowadays.

 

_July 1993_

“God, mom’s gonna kill me!” panicky.

“That bad?” curiously.

“Worse!” upset.

“It might not be _that_ bad,” reassuringly.

“You don’t know my mother!” certainly.

“We could always say it was my fault,” confidently.

“They’d never believe that!” sceptical.

 “They would if _I_ told them,” seriously.

 

_October 2015_

“Dad? Dad?” he whined softly. He had pretended to walk away, but had secretly stayed behind, a couple of feet behind his father. Undoubtedly, Dad was upset. _Damnit._

Brian hadn’t moved, couldn’t be moved. It was like he had turned to stone after the brief conversation with Nick. Baylee felt a wave of hatred coming up. _Why’d he have to call, we were having such a nice day!_ Slowly, gently he reached up to the phone, still in his father’s hand. He took it away with a sluggish motion.

“It’s okay Dad.” Brian just looked at him, expressionless. Baylee held the phone to his ear cautiously.

“Hello?” he began tentatively.

“Baylee, that you again?” he heard Nick reply anxiously.

“The hell did you say to him?” he demanded loudly.

“Is he okay?” Nick ignored his question totally.

“I don’t know,” Baylee answered, suddenly scared.

“Where’s your mom?”

“Still working,” she wouldn’t be home for another twelve hours at least. Baylee knew that, cause she had said so.

“Call her.”

“She won’t be home for twelve more hours, it’s a long drive, she said, she works in LA now, well actually she doesn’t, she just…”

“Bay…”

“got a project there, she promised she’d be home by tomorrow, cause…”

“Bay…”

“she didn’t wanna be away from me and dad such a long time, she’s only been there for two days though, so that’s okay. I didn’t…”

“Baylee!”

“Huh?”

“Call her anyway. Get your dad to sit on the couch okay? I’m on my way.”

 

_July 1993_

“So we’re friends now?”

Silence. Deafening. He needed an answer. The younger one seemed to think a few more seconds before answering.

“I’ve always wanted a big brother,” he finally confirmed.

Brian smiled.

 

_October 2015_

“You’re coming?” Nick heard the uncertainty in the kids voice.

“Yeah, I’m on my way, I’ll be there in two hours or so.’’ Probably less, given the speed he was currently sporting.

“What do I do?” there was fear now too.

“Just do as I said, kay? And call your mom!”

“Kay.” Pause.

“Nick?”

‘Yeah?’

“Don’t hang up the phone.”

“I won’t.”

_July 1993_

“What time is it?”

“Almost seven thirty.”

“Oh.”

“Have you slept at all?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

“Brian?”

“Hmmm,”

“How do we get to Stockholm now?”

Deep sigh.

 

 

 

_October 2015_

He watched his father cautiously, still standing there, looking as lost as a little puppy. Then he remembered something that had miraculously worked a few times before.

“C’mon dad, I’ll make you some tea.” It worked this time as well and Baylee smiled gratefully.

“Oh no, if I get one more cup of tea from you, I’m gonna throw up,” Dad stated. The child laughed cause it was funny. He’d been bringing his father a cup of Camille tea almost every fifty minutes this past few days.  Dad had accepted every drink thankfully, but Baylee knew he’d stopped drinking the stuff after the fifth cup. It didn’t matter though. Baylee loved the smell when he made it, but found the taste disgusting, that’s why he’d given every cup of it to his father.

“Let’s get inside,” Baylee offered and Brian followed him meekly.

“Why aren’t you wearing shoes? You’ll get a cold, Bay.”

“No, I won’t,” Baylee stated and that would have to do.


End file.
